Six things you should never say to your teenager

Act your age, grow up… Phrases that trip off the tongue in the heat of the moment that may only make the situation worse.

I love squirreling away snippets of information that might prove useful in the future, and that goes for my professional life as well as my personal one.

I’ve read ‘Raising Boys’ by Steve Biddulph and ‘Confident Teens’ by Gael Lindenfield and have a well-thumbed article by Dr. Richard Woolfson on the subject of teenagers from The Herald from years ago.

Apparently, the teenage years are characterised by an angst about becoming independent and making your own decisions. Angst on the other side of the coin – by parents – perhaps comes from failing to acknowledge this fundamental point.

Here are six things that you might be tempted to say to your teenager and the reasons why you shouldn’t. With thanks to Dr. Woolfson, Gael Lindenfield et al.

This is my house and while you’re under my roof you will follow my rules

This is right up there and I remember my own Mum saying this. Parents do this to let teenagers know who’s in charge and to lay down some boundaries – as, to be quite honest, what else do we have in our armory!

The temptation for the teenager will be to actually go somewhere else and that’s not ideal for anyone (I remember frantically searching for Ethan one Christmas morning. Can’t remember what we argued about now). What you might want to try instead is “I know you’re upset. Can we not just sit down over a cup of cocoa and talk this through?”

Young people have got it so good. It was different when I was your age…

The teenage world of today is light years away from what it was like even 20 years ago. Parents say this to try to put trivial complaints in perspective. If at all possible, you don’t want to highlight the generation gap. Something like “The world has changed since I was a teenager, but I understand why this is important to you…” is worth a shot.

Count yourself lucky that this is all you have to worry about

We say this in an attempt to put things in perspective whether our kids are having a moan about spots, or not having the latest designer gear/tech.

“Small” problems like these can be magnified in the mind of a confused and tentative teenager. Paying the mortgage, running a house and work problems are all beyond a teenager’s experience. Dr. Woolfson recommends: “I can see why you are worried. Maybe you and I can work together to find a solution.”

When you are older you’ll understand why I am saying this

A classic appeal to their better self, highlighting our greater life experience and maturity. Trouble is teenagers think they know it all, or want it to appear that way. A comment like this is patronising and belittling. “Because you are older and more mature now, I think you’re smart enough to understand what I’m saying.” might earn you some grudging respect.

Your brother didn’t behave this way when he was your age

We say this to make a sibling understand that their behaviour is unreasonable, and to use their older brother/sister as a benchmark. It’s never a good idea to draw unfavourable comparisons between siblings. It just increases resentment and makes the younger think you prefer the older. I’ve tried “You’re really upsetting me. Can we talk about what we could do differently so we can get along?” with some success.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Nothing strikes fear into a teenager like this question. Trying to find a career path can be hugely daunting and asking this only hammers that home. I’m going to cover this in other posts, but I used to work at Skills Development Scotland and is a fantastic resource to help young people explore their strengths, skills and interests and how they relate to the world of work.

Charting a course to the ‘good (university) life’

University of Glasgow
University of Glasgow

“I miss maths, Mum.”

Music to the ears of any parent with a teenager about to make choices about what to study at university.

It’s been a long road to get 19 year-old Lyle to this point – only weeks from starting a BSc in Geography at the University of Glasgow. Not in terms of getting the grades he needed – he’s a bright boy who had a choice of offers. But landing on the subject he wanted to study.

Curiously he didn’t actually study Geography at Higher, but the seeds were sown during an epic four days when he crammed for the prelim for his Intermediate 2 – a half way house between Scotland’s Standard Grades and the new National 5 exams – in 2012.

Friends and colleagues will remember me fretting about how a boy with so many choices – a nice position to be in, admittedly – could narrow them down in a world where high graduate unemployment was still an issue (still is, to be honest, from recent surveys that show many graduates are not in graduate jobs).

We poured over university league tables, analysing not only each institution’s performance, but also the job prospects for each course (or at least I was!). Lyle has got both a very logical, analytical brain and a creative one, and as a drummer in a band he was leaning towards music.

With the latest youth unemployment figures ringing in my ears – this was 2013 – we somehow agreed that you could study subjects where the probability of earning a decent wage was much greater and who knows what might happen on the music front – look at the successful bands that were formed through serendipity at Glasgow School of Art.

We narrowed it down to Environmental Science at a couple of notable Scottish universities and everything was going swimmingly until the eleventh hour (accepting a place last summer) when Lyle took cold feet that this might not be what he wanted to do after all. With hindsight, whatever reservations I had about him making his way in the world were banished that day. He decided to take a year out, got a job and now has a bit of money behind him so that university debt isn’t constantly preying on his mind.

So here we are a few weeks off from the next exciting chapter in his life. And I say we because I’m just so curious about the whole process, which at Glasgow involves choosing two other “elective” subjects to accompany the main one – which brings me back to maths!

It’s a subject I was never any good at, so I tried to hide my enormous pride when, in considering his electives, Lyle decided that he really missed maths and that that would be one of them (all my research having previously shown that maths graduates are among the most sought after by employers).

As I write, the third subject could be sociology, or social and public policy, but that might change by tomorrow!

Whatever he decides, though, will be just fine because though we’ve had some heated discussions – “It’s my life!” – an awful lot of thought has gone into getting to this point and the end result is full of promise.